Monthly Archives: January 2010

I’m getting a divorce…

So after almost 10 years of marriage my husband decides to tell me… he doesn’t like the brand of toilet paper I buy.  Seriously??  WTF??  I’ve been buying this brand for most of my adult life and just NOW you’re telling me you don’t like it??  Somebody stick a fork in my eye!  He says it’s too scratchy and doesn’t clean very well…  which he should know because he spends 3/4 of his time home in the bathroom. (TMI, I know, and I won’t go into the problems he has that keep him in the bathroom, but you need to know that he’s the one that uses most of the fucking TP in my house.)  Anyway, so I’m divorcing Scott (the brand of TP, not my husband, but it’s funny how my husband has the same name as the TP we use.) and beginning to court other brands. Is it too soon to move on??  I’m don’t want them to get the wrong idea…  They’re not rebound TP, okay well maybe they are… but it’s just until I find the right one…  Amazing how finding the right TP is so much like dating…  You search and try and when you finally find the right one, you wipe your ass with it for the rest of your life.

What?? It’s true!  Think about it!

Speaking of TP, can I just tell you how much I HATE potty training my two year old??  She’s ready.  I know she’s ready. (I just do, ALRIGHT??)  I’m ready, I know that too…  but it’s just the constant reminding and fighting and wiping and cleaning…  UGH!  I wish she’d get it already!  I got her this Dora book about potty training so I can stop using the books I used with my son.  (DOH!) I thought it was cute cause it showed Dora’s potty set up (potty seat and step stool) that’s just like my daughter’s.  And it had this little button that you push to make the toilet flushing sound…  We’ve had the book three days and the button’s already broken.  Fuck.  Now what am I going to do?  back to Henry and his Big Boy (Girl) Potty…

**NOTE: I do NOT literally wipe my ass with my husband. It was supposed to be funny AND a figure of speech. Thank you Bridget for pointing that out… Crap, now I feel bad…

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Categories: FAIL, I swear they are trying to kill me..., Things my husband does to me... | Tags: , , , | 2 Comments

I’m thinking of starting a nudist colony in my own home…

SERIOUSLY!! Wouldn’t it be cool to come to my house and see me naked everyday??

Ok, now that you’re done laughing (or vomiting) here’s my problem… STATIC FUCKING CLING!! Does anyone have a sure fire way to defeat this annoying little jerk?? I’m so tired of taking clothes out of the dryer and hearing them crackle because there loaded with enough static electricity to power a small African Village. Not to mention how many times I’ve reached into the dryer and gotten shocked!! Just today I was folding a load of clothes as they came out of the dryer and I must have gotten shocked at least 40 fucking times!! Metal dryer + static electricity = one seriously pissed off mommy!

I use dryer sheets. Don’t know why… Just mimicking what my mom does (it doesn’t help that at 31, married with 2 kids and still living with my parents so I use what they buy. Don’t get me wrong! I’m not a moocher! I pay rent and stuff, they buy the groceries, we’ve got it all worked out.). So I’m thinking of trying liquid fabric softener and see if that helps. Anyone have any ideas?

I’m also tired of seeing my little baby girl with her beautiful blond hair (where the fuck did the blond hair come from?? I’m a brunette.) sticking straight out after she takes off her hat. That’s why I don’t wear hats in the winter time., cause the same thing used to happen to me, I’d take my hat off and I’d look like I’d stuck my finger in a electrical outlet! (On a side note, when I was little I DID stick my finger in an electrical outlet once or twice when my mom wasn’t looking. I do NOT recommend anyone try THAT at home. Explains a lot, huh?? Der!)

Well, I needed to rant so there you have it. Enjoy! Hope you had a nice laugh and nothing was too shocking… (GET IT?? Shocking?? HAHAHAHA!! I crack me up!!)

Ya know, now that I’m thinking about it, maybe a nudist colony in my house wouldn’t be such a good idea…

Later taters!

Categories: FAIL, this shit can only happen to me! | Tags: , , | 2 Comments

Not even toddler farts!

There are lots of cute things in this world… puppies, kittens, babies, Johnny Depp, my Facebook profile pic, my daughter when she says “Help me! Help me! Ayudame!” (we watch WAY too much Dora and Diego).

But, there also some things in this world that are NOT cute!

1. My husband when he makes comments about my ass and then grins at me and says “What did I say?” Not funny, Asshole.

2. My seven year old still referring to his private parts as “Mr. Winkie”. He knows the real words for it, he just refuses to use any of them.

3.Vomit- any time any where.

4. Me before my first cup of coffee.

5. My Dad- the morning person… Him: “Good morning, Jennifer.” Me:”Good morning to you too Captain Chipper, now shut up and get out from between me and my coffee!”

6. Me in a bikini (or any of my pre-pregnancy clothing not that I EVER had the body to wear a bikini but you understand)

7. Me on the Wii Balance Board trying to do Yoga (uh huh…).

8. My husband making fun of me as I try to do yoga on the Wii Balance Board (again, not funny, Asshole)

9. My son announcing to me that while he was taking his shower that he “gave the bathtub a bath too” and half the fucking bottle of soap is gone…

And finally…

10. My daughter waking me up at 3am to go “pee pee potty” and then doing nothing but farting…   “Ha ha Mommy!  I fart!”

Welcome to my world…  feel free to run away screaming…

Categories: I swear they are trying to kill me..., my kids are FREAKING HILARIOUS | Tags: , , , , | 4 Comments

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year loyal readers! May 2010 bring you health, wealth, happiness, love and most of all peace…

Categories: Holidays | Leave a comment

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