I’m getting a divorce…

So after almost 10 years of marriage my husband decides to tell me… he doesn’t like the brand of toilet paper I buy.  Seriously??  WTF??  I’ve been buying this brand for most of my adult life and just NOW you’re telling me you don’t like it??  Somebody stick a fork in my eye!  He says it’s too scratchy and doesn’t clean very well…  which he should know because he spends 3/4 of his time home in the bathroom. (TMI, I know, and I won’t go into the problems he has that keep him in the bathroom, but you need to know that he’s the one that uses most of the fucking TP in my house.)  Anyway, so I’m divorcing Scott (the brand of TP, not my husband, but it’s funny how my husband has the same name as the TP we use.) and beginning to court other brands. Is it too soon to move on??  I’m don’t want them to get the wrong idea…  They’re not rebound TP, okay well maybe they are… but it’s just until I find the right one…  Amazing how finding the right TP is so much like dating…  You search and try and when you finally find the right one, you wipe your ass with it for the rest of your life.

What?? It’s true!  Think about it!

Speaking of TP, can I just tell you how much I HATE potty training my two year old??  She’s ready.  I know she’s ready. (I just do, ALRIGHT??)  I’m ready, I know that too…  but it’s just the constant reminding and fighting and wiping and cleaning…  UGH!  I wish she’d get it already!  I got her this Dora book about potty training so I can stop using the books I used with my son.  (DOH!) I thought it was cute cause it showed Dora’s potty set up (potty seat and step stool) that’s just like my daughter’s.  And it had this little button that you push to make the toilet flushing sound…  We’ve had the book three days and the button’s already broken.  Fuck.  Now what am I going to do?  back to Henry and his Big Boy (Girl) Potty…

**NOTE: I do NOT literally wipe my ass with my husband. It was supposed to be funny AND a figure of speech. Thank you Bridget for pointing that out… Crap, now I feel bad…

Categories: FAIL, I swear they are trying to kill me..., Things my husband does to me... | Tags: , , , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “I’m getting a divorce…

  1. bridget

    i do not think i have ever wiped my ass with my spouse.

  2. bridget

    oh i meant figuratively too. i’m not even sure how that would work really.

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