Stand back!! I have a uniboob and I’m not afraid to use it!!

Quitting smoking was the SECOND hardest thing I’ve done in my life.  Losing the weight I put on after I quit is the first.

So, if any of my Facebook friends have been paying attention, I’ve been making it very public that I am fat and need to lose some weight.  I’ve put on some weight between giving birth to two children and that quitting smoking thing.  I’d like to get my dancers body back and give myself a back what little self-confidence I had B. C. (before children).

When word of my cousin getting married in 2011 hit I knew I had to do something…

I got the Wii Fit.

I lost something like 2 pounds.


I tried using the treadmill that’s collecting dust in my basement.

I lost something, but it wasn’t any weight.

I lost my balance and stepped off wrong and practically broke my foot.  Dumbass.

I tried dieting.  My friend told me that switching to one of those sugar substitutes would cut out some stupid amount of sugar from my diet. So I cut out sugar from my coffee (I know, right!) and soda.  I also tried implementing more healthy meals into my family’s repertoire.   My husband wrinkles his nose at whatever new dish I try.  Makes me want to not have sex with him… I tried a food journal.  Writing down everything I ate and not seeing a difference in my weight only made me dread the task.  I tried cutting out sweets in general; no desserts, no candy (except the gum I STILL have to chew to avoid a cigarette craving), no ice cream, nothing.  Mmmm…  ice cream…

I quickly discovered that I have no will power.  None.  Nada. Zip.  Zero. (Ok, wait a minute, I lost my train of thought cause I had to go get me some ice cream.  Can you say FAT BASTARD? Aw, COME ON!  It’s Rocky Road!)  So, yeah, no will power.  It was basically depleted when I well… you know.


Then a friend told me about Jillian Michaels’ 30 Day Shred workout video.  I was a little reluctant because on her show she’s this mega bitch that nobody likes.  Another friend of mine told me she was annoying, but the workout was good.  And shit, 20 minutes a day is a whole hell of a lot better than an hour on the Wii whilst my children whine in the background.  I can squeeze it in at the end of the day after the rats go to bed or I can do it while the booger naps.

Photo courtesy of

I’m sold.  Walmart $9.  Go there.  Buy it.  Seriously.

I have to FORCE MYSELF to get off my ASS everyday to do it.  My reasoning:  “it’s only 20 minutes.  I can do this.”  I annoy all my Facebook friends by posting it as my status.  (I know I annoy you all, but if I don’t post it, I don’t DO it.  And I NEED to DO it!  Thank you all for letting me annoy you.)  I even went to Walmart and bought sports bras so I can sport the uniboob look and not give myself a black eye while doing my butt kicks and jumping jacks.

I have lost so far 9 pounds.  I am replacing muscle with fat.  I mean fat with muscle.  and obviously brain cells with mush

I kinda fell off the wagon a little when we went away on vacation.  I wasn’t about to be huffing and puffing to Jillian while my mother in law looked on trying to relax and enjoy myself…  And then I got my monthly visitor.  Ugh.  I hardly do anything that week except brush up being a bitch and getting mad at my husband and children.

Then what happened??  I forget…

photo courtesy of

OH!  Yes.  While we were on vacation, I picked up Jillian’s Yoga Meltdown.  I couldn’t wait to get started!  Then I couldn’t wait to stop.  Yoga- not my thing.  I did give it a full week.  I often felt like I was going to fly away or slide of my yoga mat.  Pass on that.

Took another week off (cause I wanted to!) and here I am…  I think I’m five or six days in to a new 30 days.  I lost count.  But I won’t move onto the next level until I’m not sore the day after anymore.  (that may take a while)

I’m tired of feeling fat.   I’m tired of looking fat.

I’m going to lose more weight before my cousin’s wedding next year.  Watch, I won’t even be invited and I’m doing all this work…  Fuck it, at least I’ll look good…

I keep hoping that the weather will warm up so I can start walking in the evenings and maybe get the hubster involved.  Maybe then I’ll start having sex with him again. And he can stop eating ice cream in front of me while I work out. Yep.  Thanks babe!

Does anyone else hear Sloth from Goonies?  Ro-cky Road?  Heh heh.

Categories: I swear they are trying to kill me..., Randomness..., this shit can only happen to me!, Weightloss | 5 Comments

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5 thoughts on “Stand back!! I have a uniboob and I’m not afraid to use it!!

  1. bridget

    i did this awesome cleanse where i ate lots of steamed veggies, quinoa and fruit. it was great and i lost like 5 lbs in a week. i’m guessing i’ll gain it back, but it was so worth it to eliminate processed foods and meat from my diet for a week

  2. Pingback: Tweets that mention Stand back!! I have a uniboob and I’m not afraid to use it!! « Ramblings of a Semi-Conscious Mastermind Mommy --

  3. That’s it! I’m going to try it.

  4. My husband totally makes burgers while I am working out. It’s like riding an elliptical inside McDonalds.

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