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This month the From Left to Write Book Club is reading Exploiting My Baby by Teresa Strasser. It’s a memoir of pregnancy and childbirth, and while I admit that I haven’t finished the book yet, there is one aspect of the book that really speaks to me, as it may well speak to you…
Have you ever wanted to punch somebody? C’mon! Admit it. Have you ever wanted to just walk up to somebody and just knock them right out? Of course you have! Don’t hide it! We’ve all met people that we just want to grab by their necks and just throttle until they’re blue in the face. Maybe it’s your kids teacher, or that mom on the playground who brags about her kid all the time. Maybe it’s the author of a book, or a celebrity on TV, or a political figure.
There’s plenty of people in my life that I’d like to beat the crap out of. Get me on a particularly bad day and I’ll want to smack you just because you looked at me funny. Of course I’ll never act on it, but it sure does feel good when I sit here and tell you all about it… I talk a big game, yo. But me and confrontation are just not friends…
Here we go:
10. The cab driver. Living on Long Island, in order to get anywhere, you need one of two things, a car or access to public transportation. It’s not like living in the city where everything is within walking distance. At some point if you live here, you will need to either drive yourself, or take a cab, a train, or a bus somewhere. Cab drivers (not all of them, but most of the one’s I’ve come in contact with) are assholes. Now please don’t leave me hurtful comments about how your dad is a cabbie or your uncle, your husband drives back and forth to Manhattan everyday so he can support you and your children. Those aren’t the cabbies I’m talking about. I’m talking about the ones who think they can drop off a fare in front of a store and then, no matter who is anywhere else, throw the car in reverse, pull a u-turn and exit the parking lot, forcing everyone else who was trying to get out of their parking space to wait for him to finish. Case in point. I was in my car in a parking space outside of my local Rite Aid. When I was ready to leave my space, I checked behind me and noticed off to my left was a cab dropping off his fare. There was plenty of space in front of him where he could pull out and turn around so I decided to not wait for him to move. I’m half way out of my parking space when I see reverse lights coming at me. The cab driver was backing up towards me! If I hadn’t pulled my car back into my space, he probably would have hit me cause he just wasn’t looking.
9. The guy three cars ahead of me on the Bethpage parkway who INSISTED on travelling at 40 miles per hour when the speed limit is 55 and there was NO ONE in front of him… I don’t think I have to elaborate on this one, but c’mon. If you’re travelling on a two lane highway and there is no one in front of you, PLEASE, try to go the speed limit. I happen to like to drive. I have to drive for my kids, I have to drive for my business, I was one of those kids on the line to take the permit test the MINUTE I turned 16. HEY MISTER!! THE GAS PEDAL IS ON THE RIGHT!!
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8. Giada de Laurentiis. I’m not one to name-drop, but this one I just HAVE to do… I am an AVID Food Network watcher. Some of you may know that I sell Tastefully Simple, so I like to watch FN and pick up little tricks and tips to incorporate into my TS presentations. I can’t watch Giada. I just can’t. She’s so pretty and perfect, I just want to jump through the TV and smack her. Seriously! She’s beautiful, skinny, she speaks Italian, she’s got big boobs, and she’s freakin RICH!! She’s everything I wish I could be. If she wrote horror novels I’d seriously consider hiring a hitman…
7. Jillian Michaels. Ok, so I’m doing it again… I found Jillian’s workout videos thanks to a friend of mine to help me get more active and lose some weight. In case you don’t know, losing weight is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do. I LOVE Jillian’s workouts… I just hate her voice. “The neck is not invited to this party!” “Don’t phone it in on this one, guys.” And I hate it when people on workout videos look into the camera and say “Good job!” “You’re doing great!” “Excellent work!” SHUT THE FUCK UP!! You can’t see me! I could be doing it all wrong and you would still be there telling me what a great fucking job I’m doing! The only problem with wanting to punch Jillian Michaels is that if I ever tried, she’s probably hit me right back, harder. And I’d cry cause, uh, I’m a wuss…
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6.People that go on TV and make people from Long Island look stupid. Seriously, I’m watching an episode of “It’s me or the dog” right now and there’s this chick in her little daisy dukes with her six pack abs all showing and I swear all her brain matter went to her BOOBS! Not a brain cell to be found! Ok, and if I may… two words… Jersey Shore. What a bunch of idiots! Not for nothing, but when I was single and childless I wasn’t going out getting drunk and trading STDs. I just can’t stand it that these people go on national television and not only make themselves look stupid, but create the stereotype that everyone like them is dumb too.
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5. People who are like Beetlejuice… You say their name three times and they just pop up! And at the most inconvenient time too! Like when you’re at Walmart in sweats and a ratty t-shirt because all you were going there for were juice bags and then you see your old flame from high school and he’s with his wife and two kids and you don’t want to go over and say hello because you look like you just rolled out of bed and OH MY GOD I can’t let him see me looking like this. Maybe I can just sneak by without him noticing me, but how come when I’m out and I look good, there’s no one to see, but when I look like a total SCRUB, I run into an ex or an old crush or someone of that significance?? DAMN YOU KARMA!!
4. People who think that traffic laws don’t apply to them. STOP SIGNS WITH WHITE BORDERS ARE NOT ACTUALLY OPTIONAL!! And if you want to get in my lane, HOW ABOUT USING A TURN SIGNAL?? And here’s the clincher… If I’m going 80 in a 55 and you’re on my ass, GO AROUND ME!! I’d rather the cop pull YOU over, not me!
3. My husband when he says things like, “You’re too old to be going to a bar to see a band play!” and “Why would you even think of going away on a cruise without me?” and “Since you don’t pay taxes on your Tastefully Simple earnings, does that mean I have to pay taxes on that money too?? Cause that would make it even LESS worth it.” And he wonders why I’m always so cranky.
2. The girl that my husband called “cutie” while we were away on vacation… Just because she was there.
1. My husband for calling that girl “cutie”. Sitting down? Ok, so we’re on vacation in Florida during the Christmas holiday, and we’re in the car after finishing our shopping, heading home to the kids who were staying with my in-laws. We were waiting to pull out of the parking lot when a young woman slowed down to let us out. “Thanks cutie.” I heard my husband say. My heart thumped. My stomach turned. Cutie? CUTIE?? SERIOUSLY?? He then proceeds to look at me, observe the look on my face (the eyebrow is UP) and then have this exchange with me; (color coded for your convenience)
Him: “What? I say it all the time.”
Me: “You do?”
Him: “At work, I say it all the time.”
Me: “You never call me ‘cutie’.”
Him: “I call you ‘sweetheart’, no… ‘babe. No…’baby’.”
(MF can’t even remember his pet name for me)
Him: “C’mon, don’t be mad. I say it all the time at work. Even to the ugly girls.”
Somebody tell me why he’s still breathing??
So there you have it… the ten people I want to punch… this week. (well nine since hubs is on there twice.) Next week it might be TOTALLY different!
This is an original ROSCMM post and was written for the From Left to Write Book Club. This post was inspired by Exploiting My Baby * Because It’s Exploiting Me by Teresa Strasser a copy of which I received free from the publisher for the purposes of this book club, and no, you can not steal my content unless you specifically ask me for it first. It’s called copyright, yo.
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