Things my husband does to me…

Don’t anybody try to make plans with me in advance, chances are I’ll have to cancel.

It’s ok, that I go out tomorrow night, right?

No.  I’ve got people coming for corals and shit tomorrow.

What the fuck do you mean you’ve got people coming? When were you planning on telling me you were having people come?

Don’t be so dramatic.

I’m not being dramatic! I have to clean this pigsty we call a room where you keep that fucking fish tank that has sucked more life out of me than both your children combined!!

Where were you going tomorrow night?

To see a band in a bar with my friend.

What friend?

My newly separated friend. [Insert friend’s name here]

You know you’re 30-something now, not 18.  You shouldn’t be going to bars to see bands play.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING??

Yes, I’m 31, but what the fuck?   How many nights a week does he leave me to go play pool in his league?  Does he think I’m going to come home with someone??  Is he afraid to be with my  our children for too long?  Maybe it’s cause he can’t smoke when he’s got them.  Maybe it’s cause he doesn’t like them.  Maybe it interferes with his computer game playing.  Maybe he’s just an asshole. I don’t know what his problem is, but it needs to stop.  I’m not his daughter, he doesn’t need to remind me of my age and that I should be acting it Mr. I smoked pot with some idiots cause I felt like I needed to fit in with those losers.

Friday  night it’s supposed to just be us.  It’s supposed to be “Family Night”.

We stopped that when you started playing pool and going to your fish club meetings on Friday nights.

I only did that once. So don’t fucking try that shit.

Fine, whatever, I’ll cancel.

And tell her it’s all your fault I have to cancel these plans we’ve had for MONTHS!!

Obviously, my husband and I have communication issues.

I should have gotten a dog instead.

And for the record, if this gets back to him, I will deny it to my grave and then hunt you down and kill you.  So don’t anyone tell him…

Categories: I swear they are trying to kill me..., Rants, Things my husband does to me..., this shit can only happen to me! | 4 Comments

I need to join Snore-anon…

You know those Nyquil commercials they’ve been airing lately?  “For a better looking morning.” or some such shit…  You know how they show those ugly sick people snoring their brains out after taking Nyquil?  Yeah, I deal with this EVERY FUCKING NIGHT!  Not that my husband necessarily looks like that guy, but let me tell you, he snores like him.  And when he’s sick, he just doesn’t know how to cover that shit up.  We can be sleeping comfortably, facing each other and he’ll be dead asleep and suddenly, he’ll cough.  Right. On. Me. Ew.  And it’s not one of those little dainty coughs either.  It’s one of those lip flappin, spit filled sleep coughs that is so filled with germs I don’t know how I don’t get sick right on the spot.  Most nights are spent with the blanket positioned just so so that when he does cough it doesn’t go all over me.  Other nights I’m wide awake with the comforter in my hand using it as a shield every time he coughs.  I’d sleep with it over my head if it didn’t feel like I was going to suffocate in there. (I have a problem with that…)

Tonight however, I was awakened by a coughing baby, and after quieting her, I lie in bed hoping to fall back to sleep when this rip-roaring, ceiling tile rattling, wake the neighbors three doors down kind of snore comes out of my husband and now I am fully awake and cannot go back to sleep.

Thank hun.  Love you too.

Categories: I swear they are trying to kill me..., Things my husband does to me... | 3 Comments

I’m getting a divorce…

So after almost 10 years of marriage my husband decides to tell me… he doesn’t like the brand of toilet paper I buy.  Seriously??  WTF??  I’ve been buying this brand for most of my adult life and just NOW you’re telling me you don’t like it??  Somebody stick a fork in my eye!  He says it’s too scratchy and doesn’t clean very well…  which he should know because he spends 3/4 of his time home in the bathroom. (TMI, I know, and I won’t go into the problems he has that keep him in the bathroom, but you need to know that he’s the one that uses most of the fucking TP in my house.)  Anyway, so I’m divorcing Scott (the brand of TP, not my husband, but it’s funny how my husband has the same name as the TP we use.) and beginning to court other brands. Is it too soon to move on??  I’m don’t want them to get the wrong idea…  They’re not rebound TP, okay well maybe they are… but it’s just until I find the right one…  Amazing how finding the right TP is so much like dating…  You search and try and when you finally find the right one, you wipe your ass with it for the rest of your life.

What?? It’s true!  Think about it!

Speaking of TP, can I just tell you how much I HATE potty training my two year old??  She’s ready.  I know she’s ready. (I just do, ALRIGHT??)  I’m ready, I know that too…  but it’s just the constant reminding and fighting and wiping and cleaning…  UGH!  I wish she’d get it already!  I got her this Dora book about potty training so I can stop using the books I used with my son.  (DOH!) I thought it was cute cause it showed Dora’s potty set up (potty seat and step stool) that’s just like my daughter’s.  And it had this little button that you push to make the toilet flushing sound…  We’ve had the book three days and the button’s already broken.  Fuck.  Now what am I going to do?  back to Henry and his Big Boy (Girl) Potty…

**NOTE: I do NOT literally wipe my ass with my husband. It was supposed to be funny AND a figure of speech. Thank you Bridget for pointing that out… Crap, now I feel bad…

Categories: FAIL, I swear they are trying to kill me..., Things my husband does to me... | Tags: , , , | 2 Comments

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