this shit can only happen to me!

OH FOR PETE’S SAKE!! IT’S A HEAD COLLAR… NOT A MUZZLE!! A Public Service Announcement

Meet Chewie…

Chewie...

Chewie is our (almost) 11 month old Siberian Husky puppy.

Meet Chewie’s head collar

Meet Chewie when he’s wearing his head collar…

This is what Chewie looks like twice daily when I walk him.  Now, I don’t meet a lot of people when I walk Chewie, but those that I do meet (usually dog owners themselves) take one look at Chewie in his head collar, and ask me if he bites, or if he snapped, or if he’s viscious.  Seriously people??  Can you not tell that its just a strap around his snout?  Can you not see that his mouth is open and his big giant floppy tongue is sticking out??  If he were wearing a muzzle, he wouldn’t be able to open his mouth.  He wouldn’t be able to drink, or eat, or bite your ass if he wanted to.

A Siberian Husky’s instinct is to PULL.  It’s what is bred into them.  I have every intention of hooking my kids’ sleigh up to him in the winter time and charging for dog sled rides.  (no joke, man)

If I DON’T use the head collar, my Siberian Husky (who’s instinct is to PULL) will PULL me all over the neighborhood.  Now I’m no lightweight (as if you didn’t know that already) but if he sees something he wants to get at (cat, bird, another dog, shiny object) and he’s not wearing his head collar, he will YANK my arm off trying to get to it.

With the head collar, a slight correction to him (I’m also studying the methods of Cesar Millan, aka, the Dog Whisperer) and he will sit and wait to be ALLOWED to yank my arm off.

The idea behind a head collar is very much like a halter for horses.  Where the nose goes, the rest of the body will follow.  You wouldn’t put a regular collar and leash on a horse and expect to be able to ride it or lead it anywhere, would you?  It’s the same concept for Chewie.  If he’s wearing the head collar I can lead him (like every pack leader should, thank you Cesar) where I want him to go.  Ultimately , I want to do away with it and just use a regular collar and leash, but until he realizes that I am the pack leader,  this is the way I need to do it.

So if you see me walking down the street with Chewie and his head collar, take a minute and consider what you see…  Is is mouth open? Can you see his teeth?  Then no, he doesn’t bite.  But I might!  So, think before you open your mouth!!

This is an original ROSCMM post. All opinions in this post come from Jennifer herself unless otherwise noted.   This post has no compensation level as I did not receive anything for writing this post,(visit my Full Disclosure page for more details) and no, you can not steal my content unless you specifically ask me for it first. It’s called copyright, yo.

Copyright 2011 Mastermind Mommy

Categories: I hate people., Rants, this shit can only happen to me! | 4 Comments

A Memorable Neighbor… or Keep Your Crazy Away From My Kid!

So… this week’s Mama Kat’s writing prompts made me laugh… There’s so much shit I can put out there, but this one especially made me chuckle.

Mama’s Losin’ It
A Memorable Neighbor.

For those of you who have been following for a while, you know I have been having troubles with the woman across the street. She is the mother of my son’s “best friend” and we have issues…

Well, last week those issues escalated and we are now not speaking to each other and our boys’ relationship is at stake.
Lemme ‘splain…

Picture it if you will…

It’s a chilly Monday morning and I’m standing at the bus stop with The Boy.  We are the only ones there and it’s starting to rain.  Boy gets on the bus, I make my way home.  That afternoon, it’s raining still and again, I am the only one on the bus stop.  The bus pulls up and opens its doors.  That’s when I notice “Mary” step into my line of view to retrieve her son.  I then turn my head and look down the row of windows and notice one of the girls that The Boy sits with is in the window crying.  I ask little Tracey why she is crying, but obviously she can’t answer me through the window.  The Boy gets off the bus and we have this exchange:

Me: Hi.  Why is Tracey crying?

Boy: Because Vinnie (her cousin) is going to be reported.

Me: Why is Vinnie going to be reported and who is going to report him?

Boy: Because he called Johan an idiot.  Big Jonathan (the fifth grade bully and self-appointed bus safety) is going to report him.

Now…  imagine the look on your face when you hear that.  Yeah, that’s the one. With the eyebrow going up…  Uh huh…  Cause, why would Vinnie get reported just cause he called Johan an idiot??  There are worse things that can happen on the bus to get reported for, right?  EXACTLY!  Now imagine if you will that you are walking along a busy road while listening to this story so you have to watch where you are going, right?  And imagine that “Mary” is walking along in front of you so while you are looking where you are going you are forced to look kinda at her cause she’s in front of you.  And at that moment that you are walking along, listening to this story about Vinnie getting reported for calling Johan an idiot, and making that face and kinda looking at Mary who is walking in front of you so you don’t walk into her, Mary turns to look at you.  Now you don’t really see her cause you are listening to the story and trying to not get run over or walk into her and when she smiles at you, your expression doesn’t really change until at the last moment you try to smile at her but it’s too late!!  She has taken that look on your face as meant for her!

The next morning, she is not at the bus stop.  That afternoon, she is there, but won’t look at me.  I say hello and she doesn’t respond.  I’ve brought Little Miss with me so I grab up my baby and walk right up to her.

Me: Okay, so what did I do now?

Her: You made an ugly face at me, I don’t like it. (or something like that, I couldn’t get the whole thing in her broken english/spanish rant)

Me: What are you talking about?  When did I do that?

Her: Yesterday. I don’t like it.  Okay?

Me: What?  I didn’t even see you yesterday.

Her: Blah, blah blah (I honestly can’t remember what she said here, probably nothing that made any sense , but I’m sure it ended with ) Okay?

Me: I don’t understand!  I didn’t even SEE you yesterday.

She then proceeds to tell me that I gave her a dirty look yesterday and that I don’t really like her, that she can FEEEEEEEEL it,  and that she likes honest people.

Me: What? So you don’t think I’m honest?

Her: I think you are temperamental and two-faced. Okay?

TEMPERAMENTAL AND TWO-FACED??  WHAT. THE. FUCK??  I’m not the one who automatically assumes that because I was looking in her general direction with a certain look on my face that that expression was meant for her and that I don’t like her. (in all honesty, I don’t like her, but I didn’t DIS-like her (too much) until the bitch called me dishonest, two-faced and temperamental! I DID tolerate her so that our boys could be friends.)

If you ask me, I think that either menopause or the isolation she experiences during the day (she doesn’t drive, doesn’t speak English, and thus hardly EVER leaves the house) is making her crazy and she’s taking it out on me!!  How come it always has to be about her??  How come she couldn’t turn around to me and be like “Why are you making that face?” ?  No!  She had to immediately jump to the conclusion that I really don’t like her and get my jollies by making faces at her.

This past Monday, my husband was home sick and I was late getting to the bus stop, so The Boy walked home with Mary and her son.  I dutifully stopped my car next to them, rolled down my window and said “Thank you” to her for grabbing him.  Whether she did or not, I couldn’t say, but it was the right thing to do.  You think that yesterday morning she could have offered me a “hello”?  Nope.  Bitch shot me a dirty look cause her son left her and came over to me and my son.

When I talk to my husband or my closest friends and family about this, they roll their eyes at me (as I’m sure you’re doing too, in between big fat belly laughs) and tell me to let it go.  That she’s not worth all the trouble.  But the issue I have is that I. DID. NOTHING. WRONG!!  I honestly didn’t see her looking at me.  I’m sorry if I couldn’t change my facial expression to suit her fast enough!  Now what do I do when my son wants to have a playdate with his friend?  I don’t think she’ll fly with it and I certainly don’t want her brand of crazy around my boy!  He gets enough crazy from me, he doesn’t need any more from any body else!!

So, we haven’t spoken since last week and yesterday morning I walked home with her in front of me and I made faces at her all the way home, giggling the entire time.   And in the afternoon, I had a perfectly wonderful conversation…  with her husband.  🙂  Take that bitch!

Next year, my son is NOT riding the bus, just so I don’t have to deal with her shit!

This is an original ROSCMM post. All opinions in this post come from Jennifer herself unless otherwise noted. All names have been changed to protect the innocent and the moronic.  This post has no compensation level as I did not receive anything for writing this post,(visit my Full Disclosure page for more details) and no, you can not steal my content unless you specifically ask me for it first. It’s called copyright, yo.

Copyright 2011 MastermindMommy

Categories: Drama, FAIL, I hate people., I swear they are trying to kill me..., Rants, this shit can only happen to me! | 13 Comments

Fifteen minutes in the life of a scatterbrained, sleep deprived, possibly ADD Mom…

Take the Cake

I really need to sit down and write that post for the From Left to Write Book club. I’m already late with the post cause I lost the book for a while and I still haven’t finished it…  But she had some great ideas when you have an extra fifteen minutes on hand and what you can do with them.  Ok, so here goes…

“What’s that baby?? You want some juice? Sure thing, here you go.”

“What’s the dog doing? Oh Bailey! Stop chewing on the furniture!!”

Ok, so blog post. Let me just check my email quick… Oh! Emily sent me and email, I’d better respond. Wait, I’m supposed to be writing a blog post.  I’ll get to her a little later.

Oh! I got my Mama Kat’s writing prompts. I should really do one this week. I did one last week, I should really keep it up… That’s a good one… Maybe I’ll write about that one…

“Bailey!! Get away from her!! Go outside!!”

Ok, blog post… Where’s the book?  Take the Cake by M.F. Chapman. Says here she wrote for the SV Moms Group. That’s cool. That’s probably how Marinka found her. Still kinda sad that NYC Mom’s Blog is gone. But Technorati is cool too.  Oh, that reminds me, I need to get onto TypePad and take down that stupid post I wrote about my son’s homework.  It was kind of assinine for me to react that way to a simple question…

DING!  Facebook notification…  what’s happening there?  Nikki visited my frontier, and Tina sent me a gift.  Have to harvest my crops and see if Tina’s gift helped me to finish that mission.  Ok, done, on to Cityville.  Look at all the people who visited my city.  Cool…

Maybe I can squeeze in a little Zuma Blitz??  Blog post?  Zuma Blitz?  Zuma’s only one minute.  I can stop after one go round…  Ok, maybe two…  Three…  Just one more…

“Is it lunch time Little Miss?  What do you want for lunch?  A sandwich?  And some juice?  You got it sister!”

Alrighty, Little Miss is eating, dog is sleeping, phone is over… there!  Now to write that post…

Let me just grab that load of laundry before it wrinkles…

This is an original ROSCMM post and was written for the From Left to Write Book Club. This post was inspired by Take the Cake: A Working Mom’s Guide to Grabbing a Slice of the Life You Love by MF Chapman a copy of which I received free from the publisher for the purposes of this book club, and no, you can not steal my content unless you specifically ask me for it first. It’s called copyright, yo.

Copyright 2011 MastermindMommy

Categories: FAIL, From Left to Write Book Club, Randomness..., Sometimes I amaze even myself., this shit can only happen to me! | Leave a comment

Bus stop drama…

Ok, so MOMS!!  How many of you are friends with or “friendly” with the parents of your kids friends??  Do you think you have to be friends or “friendly” with ALL of them?  Cause I’m about to call this bitch out…

My son’s so-called “best friend” is the boy who lives across the street.  They ride the bus to school together and play together almost ever Friday after school.  This boy’s parents are immigrants from another country and although his father speaks English, his mother is still learning.  So you can understand when I say there is a language barrier between us.  I deal mostly with the mother (We’ll call her “Mary”.) because like me, she stays home during the day.  So she’s the one at the bus stop in the morning and afternoon.  She’s the one home when the boys play on Fridays (if you call one plays with toys while the other one plays video games “playing”.  They don’t play together, they play side by side and if I’m not there to insist that they play together, they don’t and it’s MY SON who gets the shaft.).

In the four years that the boys have been friends, this woman has flashed her attitude at me at least once a year.  It all started when the bus stop got moved.  See initially, our bus stop was right in front of the house.  The bus driver would stop right in the middle of the block, pick the boys up and off they would go.  In the afternoon, it was the same thing.  It was the most awesome thing in the world.  Little Miss was still an infant so I could watch from the front door for the bus, run out, grab the boy and be back in the house before she had time to spit up her formula.

The next year, they changed things.  Our bus stop got moved to the end of the block for reasons that would take up entirely too much room here to explain.  At the new bus stop, I made a friend, another mom on my block named Joann.  Not long after, I started staying at the bus stop a little longer just chatting with my new friend.  Now I wouldn’t do it every day.  And on the days that I didn’t stay to talk to Joann, I would walk back home with Mary.  After a while, Mary started dashing off after the bus picked up the kids.  She practically ran home, leaving me to walk home alone.  Fine, whatever, no big deal.

One day while I was picking up Big Boy from a playdate, Mary finally told me what her problem was.  Evidently she thought my friend Jenn, was giving her dirty looks at the bus stop and it was making her feel ugly.  Now I know a little Spanish  from my high school days so I tried to explain to her that I didn’t think Jenn was giving her dirty looks.  And I apologized if she felt left out of our conversations at the stop.  It’s not all that easy to have a conversation with three people when one of them doesn’t speak the same language so well.  After that, she continued to run off and not be friendly with my friend although she continued to speak to me.

Then the next year they changed the bus mileage.  My son was no longer getting a bus.  I went down to the transportation office for the school district, asked them to re-measure and my son got his bus, but it’s a totally different bus stop.  The day before school started, I decide to call the father (John, we’ll call him) to make sure that his son John, Jr. would be on the correct bus stop.  Well, it turns out that they never got a bus pass and unfortunately they had to scramble to get him one.

I heard about THAT a week later…  After not being on the bus for the first three days of school, they show up on the stop the following Monday.   After ignoring me for three days Mary actually looked at me and asked me point blank if I knew that her son wasn’t getting a bus pass.  I answered no.  She then proceeded to tell me about how they had to go to the doctor and get a medical note in order to get John Jr. a bus pass.  She doesn’t drive so she would have had to walk him the three quarters of a mile to the school.  The boy gets bronchitis like a gazillion times a year.  It’s understandable that he would get bus for medical reasons.  But she was clearly upset with me for not saying something sooner.  Um, what am I, a fucking psychic?  When did it become my responsibility to make sure that your son has a bus?  He’s not my kid.  I take care of MY kids.  YOU take care of yours.

So here’s the latest…  Friday, Big Boy gets off the bus and asks for his normal playdate with his friend.  I say, “Sure, go ask your friend.” (who was already half way home).  My son runs up to ask and Mary whips around and snaps at him, “Not today, okay?”.  I hear John Jr whining to his mother why they can’t play and she rattles off something in Spanish and walks to the house.  Now I have to deal with my disappointed boy who wants to play with his friend.  “But why, Mom??”  How do you answer that?  “I don’t know baby.  Maybe they have something to do today.”

I’ll be the first to admit, my son doesn’t have a lot of friends outside of school.  Playdates aren’t lining up at the door every weekend and my phone isn’t ringing off the hook with kids who want to play.  So when my son doesn’t get the one thing he’s been looking forward to all week, it hurts not only him, but me too.  But…  maybe they had something to do…

Today I’m at the bus stop with Little Miss.  This is the first time in a week that she’s been at the stop.  Mary LOVES Little Miss.  Always telling me how beautiful she is and how much she loves her hair and so on and so forth.  So now I know there’s something wrong when Mary does not respond to Little Miss.  I ask Little Miss to say hello and I get a very cold “Hola” in return.

Ok, maybe she’s having a mood swing or something.  She’s been known to do that too.  One morning she will look at me and say “My English not so good today, okay?” and then proceed to ignore me.  Or she’ll just wave me off like I’m not good enough to talk to her.

Finally she looks at me and say “I have a question.”  Now I have no idea what she’s going to ask of me.  I don’t think I could have done anything to upset or offend.  I make sure I say hello or good morning every time I see her (cause she gets pissy if you don’t acknowledge her).  I make sure I offer to drive her home if I am at the stop with my car (yes, I’m one of THOSE moms, shut up). And I share my umbrellas or try to help her with her English whenever I can.  I think I’m pretty nice.  I did notice this week that she was sort of ignoring me and chattering away with the other mom at the bus stop (there are only three kids at the stop and the other mom is bi-lingual) in Spanish.  I just figured she was having another menopausal mood swing.

“Last Friday when the boys wanted to play, why didn’t you ask me before they got off the bus?”  I stand there, dumbfounded. (keep in mind, this is what I was able to translate cause she is in a full rolling spanish, taking no account that I only have a vague understanding of what she’s saying.)  “I don’t like it.  Because I’m not feeling good so I say no play.” and then rambles something along the lines of “but you didn’t ask me ahead of time.”

Not for nothing, but my son is eight years old.  He’s his own little person and I can’t read his mind whether he wants to have a playdate with his friend or not.  I don’t know how he did in school on his spelling test and whether he got in trouble during recess that I shouldn’t allow him to play with his friend.  So I couldn’t have spoken to her ahead of time because I didn’t want to make plans and then have to break them and look like an asshole if my son doesn’t deserve to play with his friend.

Also, why can’t the boys make their own plans and just ask us if they can play?  Why do the parents have to consult each other every time?  And I WAS going to talk to her WHEN I CAUGHT UP TO THEM. She fucking SPEED WALKS back to her house every afternoon, dragging that poor boy behind her.  I’m no skinny mini like she is.  I can’t walk that fast without having a fucking heart attack.  And I’m not RUNNING to catch up to your ass just to ask if our kids can play.  That’s what the kids are for!   I run for ONE and ONLY ONE thing, my kids.  But she chose to blow me and my son off and then get mad that I didn’t ask her ahead of time.  What’s wrong with this picture here?

If you know me, you know I don’t like confrontation.  I don’t like problems, and I don’t like to fight (mainly because when I try I freeze up and forget half of what I want to say so it’s better if I just avoid it or give in).  I wound up apologizing and telling her that I should have spoken to her first before sending my son to ask for a playdate.  What I wish I could have said was “Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!  If our boys want to play they should be able to play whether you feel good or not.  Why couldn’t you just ask if they could play at my house?”  Of course if I tried it would have come out all stuttery and stupid sounding.

I am just about done with this woman.  I don’t think we need to be friends or even friendly with each other for the boys to be friends.  And I can’t even talk to her because we’d  probably have to get a fucking translator.

I’m tired of being treated like I’m the offensive one here.  I’m tired of being treated like I’m not good enough.

I’m making him a walker next year…

This is an original ROSCMM post. All opinions in this post come from Jennifer herself unless otherwise noted. All names have been changed to protect the innocent and the moronic.  This post has no compensation level as I did not receive anything for writing this post,(visit my Full Disclosure page for more details) and no, you can not steal my content unless you specifically ask me for it first. It’s called copyright, yo.

Copyright 2010 MastermindMommy

Categories: Drama, FAIL, I swear they are trying to kill me..., Rants, this shit can only happen to me! | 2 Comments

Once Upon an Ebay Classified…

Do you use Ebay? I do. I am proud to say that my seller status is a whopping 128. That’s just 372 points away from a purple star! Ooooo…

Anyway, I’ve been a registered user on Ebay since 2003. I have selling spurts. I usually wait until my husband gets really pissed at me for being lazy. Then I get a bunch of stuff together and throw it on, see what I get for it, hope what I make is enough to cover the selling fees and pay a little bill here and there. Then I don’t have to listen to him. See? I’m a freaking genius.

So back in May at the SV Moms event that I went to I met this lovely young lady (younger than me for sure!) who represented Ebay Classifieds.

I’m standing there listening to her and thinking to myself, I already sell on Ebay, what’s the difference?. I politely accepted the label-maker and beautifully embroidered insulated bag (yay!  Free stuff!) and went about my business, figuring I’d check it out later when the excitement died down and one of my kids broke the label maker.

Fast forward two months later.  We’re almost finished with our kitchen remodel and hubby and my Dad are straightening up the garage and looking for an air conditioner that my brother can put in Smoosh’s room.  Lo!  And behold, they find our TWO (yep, count ’em T-W-O) pack n play’s.

One’s pink and one’s blue. 

The blue one we bought because the first blue one we had for the Big Boy got ruined in our short stint as pet store owners when he was just a baby.

We most recently used the new(er) blue one last summer for Little Miss to sleep in when we went to go see family in Rhode Island.  That was when we discovered that she could climb out of it.  Crap.

The pink one we never really used all that much and by the nearing of Little Miss’s second year it became more of a toy box than a place for her to sleep.  But it was cool cause it had the bassinet, and the changing table, a little thingy that made the bassinet vibrate, play music and light up so you could check on baby in the middle of the night without waking the whole freaking house, none of which either blue Pack N Plays had.  It was like upgrading from a sub-compact to a freaking Cadilac.  Awesome.

Anyway, with my kids too big to use them, and no more babies in our foreseeable future, it was time to get rid of them.

Now, I’d had some experience with a place called Once Upon a Child.  Basically they buy your used kids stuff (within reason of course) and sell it in their store.  I understand that you can cash in on some MAJOR deals, but I haven’t found that out for myself yet.   I brought all three (yes, T-H-R-E-E) baby swings to one store and walked out with whopping $24!  (Can you say “rip off”?)  While I was at said store selling said swings, one lady told me about another Once Upon a Child (apparently they are independently owned) that was so nice and clean and she got some great deals and Children’s Place shirts and skirts for $3 and “oh, look I got her that yesterday in Sayville, and it only took me three days to potty train my daughter…”

Ahem…  Bygones.

So with this info in hand, I packed up two kids and two Pack N Plays and headed out to the Sayville Once Upon a Child.  To make a long story even longer, I knew the owner from my pet store days (CRAP!) and they refused BOTH my PNP’s because of some stupid staining.  “That’s one of the things we’re known for, the quality of our merchandise.”  Quality smwality, you’re buying USED children’s gear,  you have to expect a little staining here and there.

Bygones.

I speed all the way home.

After bitching to my Dad about it he reminds me that I could put these things up on Ebay. I could list them “Pick up only” cause shipping those things would be a real bitch and would cost WAY more than they are worth and plus I don’t have a box, nor does my lazy ass feel like looking for one.  And I also don’t feel like dealing with people asking me to ship to Botswanna either.  People do that.  You list it “Pick Up Only” and they still email you, “How much is shipping?”  READ THE DESCRIPTION ASSHOLE!!  IT SAYS PICK UP ONLY!!

Sorry…

Then, like a bolt of lightening, it strikes me…  EBAY CLASSIFIEDS!  I met that chick at the SV Moms Group thing, why don’t I check it out?  It would be a great idea for a blog post and maybe help to make this blog into something other than a foul language rant about my kids and husband. (And I’m sure that THAT is the reason you LOVE me, Dear Reader, but if I’m EVER going to monetize this thing, I gotta make it look nice for advertisers…)

Ok, Ebay Classifieds, here I come.  I get on the site, I list the blue one.  Easy peasy.  Upload a pic, short description, submit, post to Facebook and Twitter.  I list the pink one.  Easy peasy.  Upload EIGHT pics (cause I gotta show the bassinette, the changing table, the music thingy etc.) short description, submit, post to Facebook and Twitter.

The blue one listed right away.  The pink one, I’m still waiting for approval.  Probably too many pictures.

But that’s okay cause within 12 hours of posting them on Facebook, I was contacted by two of my friends that they wanted them and as I write this, both PNPs have been sold to my friends for probably what Once Upon a Child would have sold them for.  And I know they are going to good homes.  And my friends got an AWESOME deal.  And they didn’t have to drive all the way out to Sayville to get it.

But now I have nothing to post on Ebay Classifieds and nothing to write about on here.  Maybe the pretty white bassinet my brother and his wife bought me…  No, my sister in law wants to keep it cause they want to give Smoosh a little brother or sister.

What else??

Anybody wanna buy a Mustang??

All kidding aside, Ebay Classifieds is a pretty cool site. It’s like that other classifieds site (ahem, Craigslist), only nicer. And you can list the stuff you listed on Ebay that didn’t sell. And they’re localized too, like Craigslist, only they need a Long Island section. Just sayin’… OH! And you can get to Ebay Classifieds right from your Ebay page… Look at that!! Just click the little box that says “CLASSIFIEDS”.

This is an original ROSCMM post. All opinions in this post come from Jennifer herself unless otherwise noted. This post has no compensation level as I did not receive anything for writing this post,(visit my Full Disclosure page for more details) and no, you can not steal my content unless you specifically ask me for it first. It’s called copyright, yo.

Categories: this shit can only happen to me! | Tags: | 1 Comment

Pissed off and not liking it.

So can I tell you how pissed off and invariably heartbroken I am right now??  I can’t fucking believe that after only four months the Moms group that I blog for (Silicon Valley Moms Group) is shutting down.

Actually the group has been around for four years but I’ve only been a part of it for four months.  I really loved being a part of it.  It’s helped me to write more and explore avenues outside of myself and my family.  I just went to an event last month in NYC and met some incredible ladies and got some awesome stuff and it didn’t look like they were doing all that bad.  They also had another event last weekend in DC and now BOOM, it’s over.

Some of the AWESOME ladies I met at the SV Moms Group event in NYC last month

I’m just in a state of shock and sadness over all this.  What the fuck am I supposed to do now??  Are there any other groups out there like this one??  I’m sure there are and I will find them, but DAMN!  Why’d it have to be like this?

I’m brand spanking new to this whole blogosphere thing, and my position as contributor to the NYC Moms Blog was my foot in the door.  Now my toes hurt cause the door slammed shut on them.  OUCH!

I get it that the founder lost her mother and needs to be with her family.  I do not fault anyone for wanting to do what is best for themselves and their families.  I’m just feeling a little angry and hurt over the whole thing.  That’s all.

Categories: FAIL, NYC Mom's Blog, SV Mom's Group, this shit can only happen to me! | 3 Comments

Don’t anybody try to make plans with me in advance, chances are I’ll have to cancel.

It’s ok, that I go out tomorrow night, right?

No.  I’ve got people coming for corals and shit tomorrow.

What the fuck do you mean you’ve got people coming? When were you planning on telling me you were having people come?

Don’t be so dramatic.

I’m not being dramatic! I have to clean this pigsty we call a room where you keep that fucking fish tank that has sucked more life out of me than both your children combined!!

Where were you going tomorrow night?

To see a band in a bar with my friend.

What friend?

My newly separated friend. [Insert friend’s name here]

You know you’re 30-something now, not 18.  You shouldn’t be going to bars to see bands play.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING??

Yes, I’m 31, but what the fuck?   How many nights a week does he leave me to go play pool in his league?  Does he think I’m going to come home with someone??  Is he afraid to be with my  our children for too long?  Maybe it’s cause he can’t smoke when he’s got them.  Maybe it’s cause he doesn’t like them.  Maybe it interferes with his computer game playing.  Maybe he’s just an asshole. I don’t know what his problem is, but it needs to stop.  I’m not his daughter, he doesn’t need to remind me of my age and that I should be acting it Mr. I smoked pot with some idiots cause I felt like I needed to fit in with those losers.

Friday  night it’s supposed to just be us.  It’s supposed to be “Family Night”.

We stopped that when you started playing pool and going to your fish club meetings on Friday nights.

I only did that once. So don’t fucking try that shit.

Fine, whatever, I’ll cancel.

And tell her it’s all your fault I have to cancel these plans we’ve had for MONTHS!!

Obviously, my husband and I have communication issues.

I should have gotten a dog instead.

And for the record, if this gets back to him, I will deny it to my grave and then hunt you down and kill you.  So don’t anyone tell him…

Categories: I swear they are trying to kill me..., Rants, Things my husband does to me..., this shit can only happen to me! | 4 Comments

When I get so old that I get annoyed at young families for making a little noise in the movies, please shoot me.

Dear Old People Sitting in Front of Us in the Movie Theater,

FUCK YOU!!

I can’t help the fact that my 2 year old has to tell me that she has to go potty.

You have no right to complain.

If you’re going to sit near a family with small children in a movie, you have to expect A LITTLE NOISE!

I hope you enjoyed the rest of the movie my kids didn’t get to see because you couldn’t handle a little “Mommy I need to go pee pee.”

And also, I hope a bird poops on your car and you can’t get it off.

And you have to drive around with bird poop on your car FOREVER!

Unless you try to tell it “ENOUGH” and expect it to listen, like you did to me and my kid.

And then you can go get a manager and try to get them thrown out because the bird’s husband called you a fucking c*nt (for the record, I hate that word and don’t like it being used unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. This lady was a c*nt.) because you have the BALLS to say that my kid shouldn’t be in the air because it pooped on your car. (or something, I’m so mad, I’m not making sense!)

May I state, that aside from two trips to the bathroom, my kids were GOLDEN in that movie theater.

And you know what? I’m GLAD that my daughter told me she had to go potty.

I’m GLAD that she is finally getting the potty training thing that I’ve been trying to get her to figure out SINCE DECEMBER!

And I hope that you sat through the rest of that movie feeling bad that you made us leave. You made us have to take my son out of the movie he’s been wanting to see FOR MONTHS. Why? Because you’re so old you forgot what it’s like to have little kids? Because you have ice in your heart and forced a family with little children to leave a movie because you can’t handle a little noise? You could have found another seat. The handicapped seats were open. You could have hobbled your old ass over there and sat there undisturbed.

And then you have the nerve to call me a “stupid bitch”?? ME?? When I said NOTHING offensive to you!! I did NOTHING but try to make the situation right. I took my daughter out of the theater. I tried to control my husband’s language. I could have sat back and said, “You don’t like it, there are other places to sit.” But no, I tried to appease you and you still call me a stupid bitch??

You know what?? FUCK YOU CUNT! I hope your tits dry up and fall off, and your twat develops a mysterious case of flesh eating disease. And I hope in your afterlife you are sentenced to haunt a movie theater that’s showing a movie you really want to see, but the people behind you won’t stop talking… AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Also, thank you manager man at National Amusements in Farmingdale for not throwing us out.  Thank you for siding with us because that woman is a c*nt and she’s the one who deserved to be thrown out for cursing at me right in front of you.  And thank you manager man and security man for making us feel like we matter and we’re not just some family with obnoxious kids.  BECAUSE WE’RE NOT.  Thank you.

Photo courtesy of National AmusementsWell, sorta.  I took it off their website.  Here’s the link.

Categories: FAIL, I swear they are trying to kill me..., Rants, this shit can only happen to me! | Tags: | 1 Comment

Stand back!! I have a uniboob and I’m not afraid to use it!!

Quitting smoking was the SECOND hardest thing I’ve done in my life.  Losing the weight I put on after I quit is the first.

So, if any of my Facebook friends have been paying attention, I’ve been making it very public that I am fat and need to lose some weight.  I’ve put on some weight between giving birth to two children and that quitting smoking thing.  I’d like to get my dancers body back and give myself a back what little self-confidence I had B. C. (before children).

When word of my cousin getting married in 2011 hit I knew I had to do something…

I got the Wii Fit.

I lost something like 2 pounds.

IN THREE MONTHS.

I tried using the treadmill that’s collecting dust in my basement.

I lost something, but it wasn’t any weight.

I lost my balance and stepped off wrong and practically broke my foot.  Dumbass.

I tried dieting.  My friend told me that switching to one of those sugar substitutes would cut out some stupid amount of sugar from my diet. So I cut out sugar from my coffee (I know, right!) and soda.  I also tried implementing more healthy meals into my family’s repertoire.   My husband wrinkles his nose at whatever new dish I try.  Makes me want to not have sex with him… I tried a food journal.  Writing down everything I ate and not seeing a difference in my weight only made me dread the task.  I tried cutting out sweets in general; no desserts, no candy (except the gum I STILL have to chew to avoid a cigarette craving), no ice cream, nothing.  Mmmm…  ice cream…

I quickly discovered that I have no will power.  None.  Nada. Zip.  Zero. (Ok, wait a minute, I lost my train of thought cause I had to go get me some ice cream.  Can you say FAT BASTARD? Aw, COME ON!  It’s Rocky Road!)  So, yeah, no will power.  It was basically depleted when I well… you know.

Dieting-OUT.

Then a friend told me about Jillian Michaels’ 30 Day Shred workout video.  I was a little reluctant because on her show she’s this mega bitch that nobody likes.  Another friend of mine told me she was annoying, but the workout was good.  And shit, 20 minutes a day is a whole hell of a lot better than an hour on the Wii whilst my children whine in the background.  I can squeeze it in at the end of the day after the rats go to bed or I can do it while the booger naps.

Photo courtesy of jillianmichaels.com

I’m sold.  Walmart $9.  Go there.  Buy it.  Seriously.

I have to FORCE MYSELF to get off my ASS everyday to do it.  My reasoning:  “it’s only 20 minutes.  I can do this.”  I annoy all my Facebook friends by posting it as my status.  (I know I annoy you all, but if I don’t post it, I don’t DO it.  And I NEED to DO it!  Thank you all for letting me annoy you.)  I even went to Walmart and bought sports bras so I can sport the uniboob look and not give myself a black eye while doing my butt kicks and jumping jacks.

I have lost so far 9 pounds.  I am replacing muscle with fat.  I mean fat with muscle.  and obviously brain cells with mush

I kinda fell off the wagon a little when we went away on vacation.  I wasn’t about to be huffing and puffing to Jillian while my mother in law looked on trying to relax and enjoy myself…  And then I got my monthly visitor.  Ugh.  I hardly do anything that week except brush up being a bitch and getting mad at my husband and children.

Then what happened??  I forget…

photo courtesy of jillianmichaels.com

OH!  Yes.  While we were on vacation, I picked up Jillian’s Yoga Meltdown.  I couldn’t wait to get started!  Then I couldn’t wait to stop.  Yoga- not my thing.  I did give it a full week.  I often felt like I was going to fly away or slide of my yoga mat.  Pass on that.

Took another week off (cause I wanted to!) and here I am…  I think I’m five or six days in to a new 30 days.  I lost count.  But I won’t move onto the next level until I’m not sore the day after anymore.  (that may take a while)

I’m tired of feeling fat.   I’m tired of looking fat.

I’m going to lose more weight before my cousin’s wedding next year.  Watch, I won’t even be invited and I’m doing all this work…  Fuck it, at least I’ll look good…

I keep hoping that the weather will warm up so I can start walking in the evenings and maybe get the hubster involved.  Maybe then I’ll start having sex with him again. And he can stop eating ice cream in front of me while I work out. Yep.  Thanks babe!

Does anyone else hear Sloth from Goonies?  Ro-cky Road?  Heh heh.


Categories: I swear they are trying to kill me..., Randomness..., this shit can only happen to me!, Weightloss | 5 Comments

Hotel-ing it.

We're on our way!!

We're coming for you!!

Every year for the past 10 years my husband and I have gone to Florida to visit his parents. (except for the two years they moved back up here, but that’s another blog post.)  More often than not, we jumped in the car and drove the length of the eastern seaboard usually making the drive in anywhere from 17 to 23 hours.  There were a few times we flew, but with the kids and the amount of crap we have to bring for them it’s usually easier and cheaper to drive.

This year, we chose to drive BUT instead of driving all day and night and possibly putting our lives at risk, we decided to drive for 12 to 13 hours and then stop and get a room and re-start the drive the next day.  Good idea/bad idea.

See, my son was whining that he wanted to see the Kid’s Choice Awards that were airing that day.  So we stopped early.  We found a Best Western in Latta, SC. The beds were clean.  That’s about all I can say about that place.  And the man behind the counter was very nice.  He called me “Ma’am”.  I know it’s a sign of respect, but really??  Do I look like a “Ma’am”??  I wanted to jump over the  counter and beat the living crap out of him.

Anyway,we got bad Chinese food delivered to our room.  Don’t ever order Chinese food in South Carolina (Ma’am).  Just don’t, ok?  Shoulda just stuck with Wendy’s across the street.  And the Kid’s Choice Awards??  They were supposed to start at 8 right??  NOPE!!  Not in Latta, SC (Ma’am)!!  I heard from my friend after we got back that they started at 8 back home.  What the FUCK??

Picture this if you will…  The TV’s on and showing Spongebob ’cause hubby and I are clueless about the whole time delay in Latta, SC (Ma’am)…  And we’re waiting…  and I’m getting annoyed cause baby girl won’t go to sleep ’cause Spongebob is on.  It’s 10pm (do you know where your children are?) and I finally lose it.  I made hubby shut off the TV and turn off the lights cause I’ve been up since 4:30 and he got to sleep in the car while I drove but when he drove who wanted their blanket, who wanted a drink, who wanted a hug, “Mom?”  “Momma momma momma!”  AAAGGGGHHHHH!!!  I wanted to jump out of the car and run away!

Finally…  success!!  Baby girl falls asleep.  And shortly after that, Mommy goes too!

Now I forgot to mention that just before we sit down to our bad Chinese food, the tooth that my son had been battling with for weeks finally falls out.  (actually I yanked the little bastard out so I didn’t have to listen to him whine about it all fucking week.)  So when I awaken at 1am to find my son just shutting down his father’s computer (hubby let him watch the KCA’s online) I realize that the Tooth Fairy still has to come.  Damnit!  Now I gotta stay up for that!  3am and that bitch FINALLY shows up!  And she didn’t have a fucking key either!

So with the Tooth Fairy business taken care of, I can finally get some sleep…  Only to spend the rest of the night with a pair of feet in my ribs.  Man, I love that baby girl, but if she didn’t take her feet out of my side I was gonna flip her right the fuck off that bed.  I didn’t though, cause the floor was too dirty.  And she’s my baby…

Now, wasn’t it a good idea to stop and get a room??

Categories: FAIL, I swear they are trying to kill me..., this shit can only happen to me! | Tags: , | 4 Comments