In the words of my 8th grade earth science teacher Mr. Black, my best friend Eileen is the greatest thing since sliced freakin’ bread. She’s smart, beautiful and successful. She’s my weekly stress relief, my partner crime (wanna see my scar?). I would move mountains for her if she needed me to and she would do the same for me. There are so many things in her life that I am COMPLETELY and UTTERLY jealous of, ie her loving husband, her three beautiful children, her gorgeous house and the fact that she can have all this AND work full-time as a nurse AT NIGHT!! (*Note to all you working mommies out there, she’s not the only one deserving of props for busting her ass at work and at home, you all are on the top of my prop list.) I admire her strength, her wit, her sense of humor and the no-nonsense way about her. She don’t take no shit (yes, I know that’s a double negative) and if you even try to give her any, she’ll turn around and tell you where to stick it and how fast to spin! She’s also my source for phrases like “Your mother’s ass!” and “I’m gonna beat you with a big stick!” and “I’ve got a severe case of IHP!”.
There is however one thing in Eileen’s life that I do not envy… For her daughter’s fifth birthday someone bought her a “My Size Barbie”. Oh. My. God. This thing stands about three feet tall, and weighs as much as a newborn baby. She’s got a painted on body suit and shoes (to prevent the awkward naked barbie lying in the middle of the living room and there are no kids around syndrome) and a dress and tiara that can be worn by the child as well as the doll. Now don’t get me wrong, the kids love her… I, on the other hand, think it’s FUCKING CREEPY!
As soon as I saw that thing come out of the box I had visions of the kids going to bed and the doll coming to life and murdering mommy and daddy. There have been a number of times when I mistook it for another kid cause the damn thing stands by itself and the kids leave it in the middle of the room. Just the other day I walked into Eileen’s living room (cause I practically live there) and found the fucking thing sitting in the recliner like it was just part of the gang! Anybody seen the movie Child’s Play? Yeah. Uh huh. My point exactly. Eileen told me the day after her daughter got the thing, they put the kids to bed and then had to put Barbie to bed as well cause it felt like she was watching them. Can you imagine trying to have sex watching TV in your own living room only to look over to find this little stiff-legged blond bitch smiling at you??
Now, maybe Eileen’s brother is right, maybe I’m just jealous cause I wanted one as a child and never got it… Yeah, no, that’s not it at all… even as a kid I thought that fucking thing was creepier than my great uncle and his staring problem. So if anyone out there thinks it’s a good idea to get somebody’s kid a doll like that, make sure it’s somebody ELSE’S kid, not your own (or mine, thankyouverymuch). Or you may never be able to have sex watch TV in your own living room again without having the feeling of being watched. Don’t be surprised if you wake up in the middle of the night and find her standing at the side of your bed… staring… smiling… And where did that big meat cleaver go that you ALWAYS keep in the butcher’s block on the counter??
Speaking of Barbie, I’d like to take a minute to share with you the hilarity of my life. I’ve started potty training my daughter (it’s a week earlier than I wanted to, but hey, what the hell) and just today she was sitting on the potty and playing with the Barbie dolls she got for Christmas. We go through our usual “Hi, I’m Barbie doll.” introductions and then suddenly, she makes them kiss. Barbie’s first lesbian kiss? SOMEBODY GET MY KID A KEN DOLL!! Not that I have anything against lesbians, mind you, but let me clarify what she was playing with… One was an actual Barbie doll, the other was a knock off from Big Lots. You know the one where you go to make her sit down and her legs spread? The one that’s got flesh colored panties? At least Mattel paints a body suit on Barbie to prevent the afore mentioned naked Barbie syndrome. It’s like Barbie was got drunk one night at a frat party and decided to experiment with the two bit hooker three doors down and now she’s got crabs. If Barbie is going to be a lesbian she can at least have the decency to get it on with another hot Barbie like Miko (Barbie’s Island friend). And so what if Barbie and Ken broke up?? They can still be friends (with privileges), right?? BUT I digress…