My Size Barbie = Mattel FAIL!! and other Barbie related ramblings…

In the words of my 8th grade earth science teacher Mr. Black, my best friend Eileen is the greatest thing since sliced freakin’ bread.  She’s smart, beautiful and successful.  She’s my weekly stress relief, my partner crime (wanna see my scar?).  I would move mountains for her if she needed me to and she would do the same for me.  There are so many things in her life that I am COMPLETELY and UTTERLY jealous of, ie her loving husband, her three beautiful children, her gorgeous house and the fact that she can have all this AND work full-time as a nurse AT NIGHT!!  (*Note to all you working mommies out there, she’s not the only one deserving of props for busting her ass at work and at home, you all are on the top of my prop list.) I admire her strength, her wit, her sense of humor and the no-nonsense way about her.  She don’t take no shit (yes, I know that’s a double negative) and if you even try to give her any, she’ll turn around and tell you where to stick it and how fast to spin!  She’s also my source for phrases like “Your mother’s ass!” and “I’m gonna beat you with a big stick!” and “I’ve got a severe case of IHP!”.

Can you tell which is the real kid??

There is however one thing in Eileen’s life that I do not envy…  For her daughter’s fifth birthday someone bought her a “My Size Barbie”.  Oh. My. God.  This thing stands about three feet tall, and weighs as much as a newborn baby.  She’s got a painted on body suit and shoes (to prevent the awkward naked barbie lying in the middle of the living room and there are no kids around syndrome) and a dress and tiara that can be worn by the child as well as the doll.   Now don’t get me wrong, the kids love her…  I, on the other hand, think it’s FUCKING CREEPY!

As soon as I saw that thing come out of the box I had visions of the kids going to bed and the doll coming to life and murdering mommy and daddy.  There have been a number of times when I mistook it for another kid cause the damn thing stands by itself and the kids leave it in the middle of the room.  Just the other day I walked into Eileen’s living room (cause I practically live there) and found the fucking thing sitting in the recliner like it was just part of the gang!  Anybody seen the movie Child’s Play?  Yeah. Uh huh.  My point exactly.  Eileen told me the day after her daughter got the thing, they put the kids to bed and then had to put Barbie to bed as well cause it felt like she was watching them.  Can you imagine trying to have sex watching TV in your own living room only to look over to find this little stiff-legged blond bitch smiling at you??

Now, maybe Eileen’s brother is right, maybe I’m just jealous cause I wanted one as a child and never got it…  Yeah, no, that’s not it at all…  even as a kid I thought that fucking thing was creepier than my great uncle and his staring problem.  So if anyone out there thinks it’s a good idea to get somebody’s kid a doll like that, make sure it’s somebody ELSE’S kid, not your own (or mine, thankyouverymuch).  Or you may never be able to have sex watch TV in your own living room again without having the feeling of being watched.  Don’t be surprised if you wake up in the middle of the night and find her standing at the side of your bed… staring… smiling…  And where did that big meat cleaver go that you ALWAYS keep in the butcher’s block on the counter??

Speaking of Barbie, I’d like to take a minute to share with you the hilarity of my life.  I’ve started potty training my daughter (it’s a week earlier than I wanted to, but hey, what the hell) and just today she was sitting on the potty and playing with the Barbie dolls she got for Christmas.  We go through our usual “Hi, I’m Barbie doll.” introductions and then suddenly, she makes them kiss.  Barbie’s first lesbian kiss?  SOMEBODY GET MY KID A KEN DOLL!!  Not that I have anything against lesbians, mind you, but let me clarify what she was playing with…  One was an actual Barbie doll, the other was a knock off from Big Lots.  You know the one where you go to make her sit down and her legs spread?  The one that’s got flesh colored panties? At least Mattel paints a body suit on Barbie to prevent the afore mentioned naked Barbie syndrome.  It’s like Barbie was got drunk one night at a frat party and decided to experiment with the two bit hooker three doors down and now she’s got crabs.  If Barbie is going to be a lesbian she can at least have the decency to get it on with another hot Barbie like Miko (Barbie’s Island friend).  And so what if Barbie and Ken broke up??  They can still be friends (with privileges), right??  BUT I digress…

Blue Bunny Ice Cream is my own personal GOD; Gamestop is king!

Happy Holidays everyone!! I hope you all enjoyed a beautiful holiday season and are now getting ready to ring in the new year with your family and friends. Anyone have any New Year’s resolutions that they’d like to share??

I plan to lose a little weight. Ok, a lot of weight… Ok, I’ve got to lose the weight of a small 6-year-old before my cousin’s wedding in 2011. “2011!” You say. “But that’s almost two years away!” Yes, of course it is, BUT, this is especially difficult for me because I have no will power. As I write this, I want to walk my fat ass to the refrigerator and get some ice cream. I used up all my will power three years ago when I quit smoking. Of course, quitting smoking in my opinion is easier than losing weight. I relied on my laziness to get me through the cravings. I didn’t feel like trekking my ass upstairs to go outside to freeze my ass off to smoke a cigarette so that I could cough my ass off in the morning. (notice how a lot of this has to do with my ass? That’s probably why it’s so FAT! Cause I kept losing parts of it when I smoked.)

Anyway, losing weight requires exercise and watching what I eat.  I watch what I eat.  I watch it go in my mouth as I eat it.  Most of the time though, it’s ice cream (my downfall… mmm, blue bunny cookies and cream!).  Not very good for me, I know, but it’s tastes so good and I just can’t resist it!  And the exercise thing…  I have two kids, they exercise me enough… Nuff said. 

Now you understand my dilema.  So I’m looking at the differences between the Wii Fit and the EA Sports Active.  I put it out to my FB friends and have gotten some great responses.  I’ve searched it out too and I think I’m leaning towards the EA Active.  It is my understanding that the Wii Fit has games and stuff that are fun and the whole family can do blah blah blah.  It is also my understanding that the EA Active is like having your own personal trainer.  I think that’s what I need…  Ultimately I’d like to strike it rich and hire my own personal trainer (or maybe pay someone to exercise for me cause my ass is too lazy to do it myself) or maybe just take a Zumba class at the local women’s gym, but that’s not in the cards right now hence why I’m looking at video games.  I’ve got exercise videos.  I’ve got Tai Chi DVDs and videos, Yoga videos, even an old Billy Blanks video where he got lost in his own routine (needless to say I only used that video once.  DUH!) but I can’t do videos cause my VCR is now in my son’s room and I’m certainly not going to be shakin my booty in his room surrounded by his legos and action figures. (that’s also why I threw out all my husband’s porn videos cause where would I, I mean we, I mean he watch them?? But that’s another post.)  The Wii is in my room, and it’s easier to squeeze in a quick workout early in the morning before they get up or after they go to bed or even while the baby’s sleeping and the boy is at school.  Of course, I also understand that the trainer on the EA Active is pretty tough so I can’t guarantee I’d NOT put my foot through the TV while it’s yelling at me…  Actually that’d be a pretty good feat for me cause the TV is on top of a cabinet that makes it about level with my head.  Anyway, if anyone out there has either game or both games and can give me an idea of what the hell I’m getting myself into, feel free to comment below!

Now, have you seen the Wal-Mart commercial where the two men are outside in the snow sifting through their garbage after christmas and one of them looks at the other and says “What’re you looking for?”  That was me today…  We got my son a PSP for Christmas.  Pretty cool right? Yeah, I know we’re a couple of cool parents.  Anyway, I digress…  Well it turns out that the battery door on the PSP won’t stay on (crap!) and has to be returned.  Ok, no problem, we’ve got the receipt, Scott put it on the dresser of my old room where we wrapped the presents for the kids on Christmas eve.  One problem…  my aunt stayed in that room while she was here for Christmas and after she left this morning the receipt was GONE!  Now WTF am I supposed to do?  We tore the whole house apart.  I wish he’d just handed it to me and I’d stuck it in my pocket like I do all the other receipts.  BUT NOOOOOO!  He had to leave it on the dresser and when we freaking NEED it it’s GONE!  (I think my aunt took it by mistake, but she hasn’t called to confirm that.) So picture me out in the rain (cause it’s not completely miserable unless it’s raining out) going through the garbage looking for this lost receipt.  I couldn’t find it.  We decide to bring it back anyway and I would turn on the waterworks if necessary (cause what geek can refuse a woman in tears because he husband lost the receipt and her son is devistated cause he can’t play his PSP).  We get to Gamestop and who calls me  up but a pretty blonde CHICK (crap!).  So I play the stupid husband card.  I tell her that my husband bought this for my son and the battery door won’t stay on but we can’t find the receipt is there anything you can do?  She says “I have to look it up.”  What?  You can LOOK IT UP??  I tore apart my WHOLE HOUSE looking for this FUCKING RECEIPT and you can just LOOK IT UP??  Grr…  Her manager looked it up, wrote down some numbers on a piece of paper, and then told me “Ok, you can go look around.”  They replaced the PSP and exchanged the game that didn’t work for two others that did.  Thank you Gamestop for not making me fake cry/get angry/threaten to kill one of my children and/or husband!

Oh, and remind me to tell you about how my husband has decided to quit smoking on Christmas Day and I promised him sex everyday if he can continue to not smoke…

Nite all!

*NOTE: In the process of writing this post I DID drag my FAT ass to the refrigerator for some Blue Bunny Cookies n Cream Ice Cream.  If only exercise were as yummy as ice cream…

If you weren’t my friend’s aunt I’d so TOTALLY call the cops on you!!

Dear Dog owner/Neighbor;
It’s 12:38am and I am awake because my daughter woke up from a nightmare seemingly about her brother doing something to her that made her scream out his name. So after I rock her a little and toss her back in her crib, I decide to go into the kitchen take some cold medicine and make my husband and son’s lunches for the day (cause I’m a freak like that and I enjoy making a mess and lots of noise after midnight and if  my darling husband hadn’t coughed all over me in his sleep I wouldn’t be a walking germ-fest.). Well as I’m spreading peanut butter on my husband’s second sandwich I hear the distinct sound of YOUR. DOG. BARKING!!

Now please tell me, why the fuck your dog is outside at 12:38am and tell me WHY when that little fucker started barking, you didn’t get your fat ass up and bring her inside?? It’s 12:38 am!! Most normal people are sleeping!! Why would you allow your dog outside at such an un-godly hour let alone let the stupid thing bark??

Does anyone have the number to animal control? Cause not only is this dog outside barking after midnight, but IT’S 2 DEGREES OUT THERE!! Doesn’t that account for animal abuse??

Now don’t get me wrong…  I LOVE dogs!  I can’t wait to get one so I can leave it outside to bark and wake your ass up for my kids to enjoy, but come on…  That dog is ALWAYS outside and ALWAYS barking at ALL SORTS of retarted times!  2 am, 11am, 3pm, 9pm!  If my kids’ bedrooms weren’t where they are in the house, it would wake them EVERY FUCKING TIME!!

And don’t try to tell me that it’s not your dog either!  I’ve seen your dog barking and she has a very recognizable bark.  No other dog in the neighborhood (aka, your other neighbors dogs) have that high-pitched “wro, wro, wro” bark!  (yes, I just mimicked her bark, go ahead and laugh… fuckers… it goes “wro, wro, wro”)

So I won’t call animal control even though I really REALLY want to, because your niece is a friend of mine and I don’t feel like starting trouble…  but goddamn… call the fucking dog in!!

Sincerely,

Your concerned psychotic neighbor…

PS. I will NOT however be held responsible if ANOTHER neighbor calls the cops on your ass.  You CANNOT prove that I gave them your name and address and the number to the ASPCA…  No calls will originate from my home… that you will know about.

Just a little clarification…

For those of you who are crazy like totally addicted to MTV’s Jersey Shore, allow me to set some things straight…  As a native Long Island Italian-American, I can honestly say that WE ARE NOT ALL LIKE THAT!!  I watched about 15 minutes of that dumbass show last Thursday and had to turn it off because it made me throw up in my mouth a little. 

Seriously?  Come on… 

Now, I won’t tell you that there aren’t SOME people who live on LI that are more concerned about their tans, their muscles, who they’re going to sleep with and where they are going to get drunk this weekend, but NOT all and CERTAINLY not me!

Maybe it’s cause I’m older than them, married with children, and tipping the scales a little higher than I want, but THAT’S BESIDES THE POINT.  

That show is a poor representation of the Italian-American community and they make us all look like assholes.  Thanks MTV.

My version of confrontation.

Ok, so for 30 of the 31 years I’ve lived in my house the end of my street has been a regular street corner.  In the last seven years, a smoke shop and check cashing place opened in a small shopping center on the other side of the avenue at the end of my street.  The smoke shop has been robbed twice in the last three years and the thieves have parked their cars feet from my house.  Now in addition to the smoke shop and the check cashing place a little further up the block, right on the highway is an “adult”shop. (Nice to have there at the end of a residential street…)  So we occasionally get litter on our property from garbage up the street.  Lots of times I’ve found covers to porn tapes blown onto the grass or condom wrappers (at least they’re being safe) and it’s gross.  Really really really gross.  And I don’t want my kids to see that shit on my property so I grab it up and throw it away.

Finally, there’s a major highway very close to my street and you can turn off the highway right onto my street.  I can’t tell you how many times people have come right off the highway, blown the stop sign at the avenue and rocketed down my RESIDENTIAL STREET where CHILDREN play at 50-60 miles an hour… 

Finally the neighbors got fed up with all the crap that’s coming down the block they started a petition to close the end of the block and make it a dead-end.  Ok, cool, where do I sign?  Petition went before the mayor, and before all the other bigwig kiss my ass and I’ll give you what you want people and we got them to shut down HALF of the corner.  Half??  Excuse me?? How do you do that?  Some of the neighbors were worried about the garbage trucks getting down the street, and oil trucks, and school buses.  FUCK THAT!!  If they need to get down the street they’ll figure it out!!  (And for the record, my son’s bus stop was changed this year so I now have to walk him past that freaking corner every morning along that busy ass avenue past empty beer bottles, trash from the chicken restaurant on the other side of the highway, used condoms and dead pigeons, to the block behind us so there is no bus coming down our block anytime soon!)  But I digress…  So HALF the corner closed.  It is now a one way exit only right turn.  In translation, you can only exit out of the block and make a right turn.

Herein lies the problem.  It’s been like this for two years.  TWO FUCKING YEARS!  Do you know I still see people coming in the exit?  The exit actually curves to the right so if you were to come in the wrong way, you have to maneuver your car around the median.

Just this morning, I was walking my son to the bus stop and this ASSHOLE in a DARK GREEN VAN stops in the street and proceeds to come in the wrong way.  He’s looking right at me as he’s doing this and I’m staring him down.   (Sometimes I wish I had lazer vision or the ability to project my thoughts into other people’s minds.  If this guy could see what I was thinking, he’d be dead behind the wheel)  I’m shaking my head at this guy, trying to tell him don’t do it asshole.  And as he drives past me onto my street he just nods at me and smiles.  So I scream at him that there’s a sign there that says DO NOT ENTER and he just waves. Jerk. And then I flip him off.  What else can I do?

I wanted so badly to follow him and tell him off, but flipping him off is as close to confrontation as I get.  I fantasized about finding him on the next block and stabbing him in the eye with a pen and then dragging him to the DO NOT ENTER sign and bashing his head into it until he could see it clearly. But I had to get home to the baby.  Oh well…   

My neighbors are telling me that the town is planning to completely close off the end of the street.  Yeah…  I won’t hold my breath for that to happen.  Thanks!

Welcome to the wonderful world of blogging…

Well hello there and welcome to my very first blog post. I’m not sure what’s going to come of this little thing, but I’m hoping it will grow and grow and grow and I can quit my day job and write for a living (yeah right). So now for something witty… I got nothing, at least not right now. Gimme a little bit. Something is bound to happen and I’m sure the whining will ensue…